EML 585: The Beginning!!

And so it begins . . .

This is only my fourth time beginning a school year as a teacher. My first time, I felt like I was swimming through a pool of molasses, not getting anywhere, barely managing to keep my mouth above water to gasp for an occasional breath of air, drowning. I had a million ideas about what I wanted to do, where I stood philosophically, and how to run my classroom. But, I had no idea how to really implement what I wanted to do, or how to support my philosophies, or how my students would respond to my classroom management.

It got a little easier as I went along. Year two felt a bit less scary but, was still painful in the beginning as I had changed rooms, teams, and had gone from teaching two subjects at the 8th grade level, to teaching two different subjects at the 7th grade level. But, that's how it goes in today's middle school, right?

Well, this year is a little better. I am teaching the same subjects at the same grade level. I got to keep my same classroom, but this year, I lost my teaching partner. Again, standard in middle schools today, so I've heard (note: annoyed tone). It was nothing personal, just the way things needed to happen. And let me be clear, I have nothing but respect for my new teaching partner. But, it is a little scary and a little sad to start off the year without the partner that I had developed such a great professional and personal relationship with over the past few years. So, as I begin year four, I am definitely a little nervous about what lies ahead for the next nine months.

Unfortunately, professionally speaking, I think that I am starting off the year on a bit of a low note. Don't feel bad; it's nothing huge. It's just been a rough beginning. We have a drastically new schedule that shortens classes, lunch, and planning time while adding a literacy block and an advisory period (which I've helped to create and maintain). Staff morale is lowish, and (as I mentioned) I am in a new and unfamiliar team situation. I know those are all contributing variables, but I still can't help but think there is a lot more to it. I feel like I'm just hitting a bit of a wall.

My first three years were filled with big dreams and, although the going wasn't always smooth, I wasn't afraid to throw my ideas out there and see what happened. Since everything was still new, I felt like I was always being innovative and fresh. I worked to integrate the strict curriculum by incorporating student choice and student questions into projects and units. I attempted to make my classroom as democratic as I thought I could. I even organized and implemented a service learning project with my science classes that took up more time than was ever necessary but, was an amazing experience for most involved. None of it was ever "perfect" middle level curricula, but it, and I was a work in progress.

Now, I know that good teaching is always about being a work in progress and always reflecting on what I can improve. It's just that I feel like at this point, I should be a little more confident with where the year should go. Instead of confidence, I find myself with doubts and insecurities about the direction of my teaching and constantly wondering how I can do things differently. I want to be a great middle level educator. But I find myself stuck in the dualism of what I think is best for kids and the tight curriculum created and supported by those who think they know what's best for kids. More frustrating than that dichotomy are my uncertainties about how to implement and design solid middle level curriculum given those parameters and constraints. I know there are great educators out there doing exactly what I've learned about and wanted to do who fight even harder battles every day. So how do I become one of them?

So, that's the story of how I am beginning this school year. After re-reading, I realize I am beating myself up a bit so, enough! Onto my goals . . . :)

My goals for this year are pretty simple: I want to feel better about myself as a teacher and I want to feel better about the environment in which I teach. Maybe these aren't really "simple" goals, but they are clear. I think this class is a good start. I am excited to work with other people who are interested in middle level education, perhaps as more than just "another rehashed trend forced upon poor middle school teachers to make more work for everyone!". That's in "quotes" but, it's more of a compilation of quotes ;) Anyway, I am also looking forward to continuing work in my school on our leadership team and in creating and implementing our new advisory program. And of course, the easiest way to feel good about myself as an educator is to just enjoy my students. And you know what, they're already making my goals easier.